One of my best friends told me today that she is ending her relationship of two years. She seemed somewhat resigned and without emotion when she told me this, so of course I was curious as to why she would be so unaffected about ending things with a long-term love. Her answer was simple enough: “there is no fairness in our relationship.”

At first, I asked myself does fairness really matter in a relationship? I wasn’t entirely sure what she meant by this. As the conversation continued, I realized what she meant was there was an imbalance of giving and taking. After years of being together, she said she could no longer deny that she felt all she ever did was give and contribute to the growth of the relationship, and all he did was take. She remarked that she had reached the point of feeling empty, like she had nothing left to offer, and she was simply tired of feeling like she was always being taken for granted.

I listened to her talk about how it all began, how in the beginning when their relationship was new and fresh they both seemed interested in learning about each other and doing sweet things for the other one. But, over time, she continued to pour more of herself into nurturing the relationship while he seemed content to let her do all the work alone. She told me how at the holidays he would take her back home overseas to visit his family, resulting in her not seeing her own family, and she anticipated they would trade off each year, but they always ended up only seeing his family. This was just one example of the imbalance she was feeling, but there were many more.

I think in the beginning it’s not so important to focus on the balance of fairness in relationships. Like my friend said, when it’s all new and fresh and exciting the balance should occur naturally. If there is a clear, obvious imbalance in the very beginning the relationship clearly is not working anyway and you should probably not continue to explore it further.

But, I also think it is natural in relationships for the give take occurrence to change over time. Some people are naturally more giving than others, so it stands to reason that in a relationship one partner may consistently give more than the other. However, the imbalance should not be such that one is doing all the giving and the other doing all the taking.

If you find your significant other is not giving enough to your relationship, consider whether or not you are giving enough. Some people are prompted to give in response to someone else starting the process. Maybe if you give more, so will they. But don’t allow yourself to carry on for too long as the giver if you see they are only going to continue to take.

When your spouse or lover starts to make you feel that you are being taken for granted, or that they are getting more out of your relationship than they are putting into it, it is definitely time to talk about the issue. I think a calm conversation where you discuss your feelings and offer specific examples of when you feel the imbalance has occurred can really help you both address the problem. Whether they do not realize it is happening, or whether they disagree, communication is the only way to resolve it. You may end up bringing balance back to your relationship. You may end up realizing you’ve simply grown apart and it’s time to move on in your separate directions. Either outcome will be better for you than to continue feeling empty and taken for granted.